Two weeks from today, Lord willing, I will get on a plane and fly to Chad. Passport renewal: check. Tourist visa: check. Bags packed...well...not quite check. :-) Considering I was originally planning to go back January 10th, this departure is a long time in coming and in many ways, I'm more than ready to go back.
Until it comes to saying good-bye. For those of you who have already done this once or multiple times, you probably know that we all have different ways of dealing with the good-byes. For me, I'm usually pretty good at staying busy and distracting myself until the last possible minute, and then I try to make the good-byes as quick as possible, so as not to cry a lot. That makes them less drawn out, and its easier not to dread them. Plus it saves on tears and blotchy face and the post-weeping headache.
This time the good-byes started a month ago when I left Milwaukee. Who wants to draw good-byes out over 6 weeks??? Not me. But there I was, saying good-bye already. I was saying good-bye to people who just a few months before I had told the Lord, I don't really want to make these friends (nothing AT ALL against my Milwaukee readers!) because I'm not ready to put the emotional investment into yet more people in yet another part of the world. Thankfully He knows better than me and He didn't listen to me. In His grace and mercy, He blessed me with some very good friendships there in just a short time. On the flip side, I experienced that terrible feeling of leaving part of my heart behind when I left. Yuck. I hate that.
Yet, even as I left, I realized that there is only so much sadness at saying good-bye when there has been much joy in relationship. As reluctantly as I went into the friendships in Milwaukee, they were truly a God-send, and I am so thankful for each of them.
I just "finished" my second round of good-byes in So Cal. I say "finished" because I'm going to keep saying good-bye to various ones over these next two weeks. In La Mirada I managed to forget about the fact that I was really leaving for three years until the end of our Sunday evening communion service two nights before I left. Then the powerful symbol of remembering our Lord's death and resurrection with His Body, my family there, opened the floodgates and the tears began to fall. That night, and over the next two days, I said good-bye to SO many people, many of whom a year ago when I came back from Chad, I would never have imagined the things we would share, or the depth of relationship we would have. And once again, I left a part of my heart behind, annoyed that it hurts so much, and yet so thankful too that it hurts, because I wouldn't trade that year or my friendships for the world.
As I write that, I think...in some ways though, I have traded those friendships for the world. Not completely, because they will always be my friends...its not like I'm cutting them off. And hopefully we'll sort of stay in touch over the next three years. Who knows, one or 2 of them might even come and visit. But, to be honest, I've been overseas before, and I know most people have great intentions about keeping in touch, but following through is much harder. And appropriately so. We are called to live where we are at, and while friendships across the ocean are still important and God uses them to encourage and strengthen our hearts, we have to be free enough to dive in and invest where He calls us to minister. I know that I for one could spend 40 hours a week keeping up with all my friends around the world. But that wouldn't really do much for initiating a church planting movement among the T people. And so as I get ready to go back, I know that the Lord is asking me to lay those friendships on His altar, surrendering the lunch dates and heart-to-hearts over a cup of tea (or coffee), the camping trips, long walks in beautiful places, the swing dancing lessons, phone calls or video Skype calls, Sunday school discussions, dinner club gatherings, game nights, and times of prayer together--for a new community, a community where I get to start over at language and culture and relationship, dying to myself in every way so that they might see the power and glory of Christ in me. What an amazing privilege it is to know that God wants to use us in that way...and yet I dread it too. Its gonna be so hard and I'm gonna miss so many people.
But, that was a bit of a detour from my original intentions for this post. Really, I just wanted to say that in some ways I'm so thankful for the good-byes in my life. Not because I enjoy them, or because I like crying or the way my heart hurts when I leave the ones I love behind, but because when I say good-bye I realize the most how much the Lord has blessed me with such great people in my life. He has provided good friends for me EVERYWHERE that I have gone...they are like Ebenezers--memorials to His faithfulness to be with me wherever I go.
I'm leaving for Chad in 2 weeks, and I'm excited to go back. Even though I've been there before, I know that I'm going back to a lot of new beginnings, and as my dad has always told me, "all beginnings are hard." So with the excitement is mixed a bit of dread, fear and trepidation. Yet I know that just as the Lord has provided in the past, He will continue to provide in the future and He will be with me. I can't wait to write again, some day perhaps far down the road, about the T people who have become more Ebenezers in my life, testifying to the faithfulness and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.
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